Week 3 - where I try and create "Normal"

Last night I got our weekly choir email. It was the first time something felt completely "Normal" in about 3 weeks. Yes, I've had classes, but those aren't normal because now they are online. Nothing is normal, but that email brought the tiniest bit of normal into my life.

It has been incredibly difficult to get into the swing of things during all of this. During week 1 I think I was in denial.

During week 2, I adopted a puppy so my entire life has been overcome with puppy training and puppy life.

So, now we head into Week 3. Week three where I know more, week 3 where even I am a little frightened of going into public spaces, week 3 where I just want something to do. I've seen so many people say "Wow, it must be great to be socially distant without kids or family" For the record, it's really not. It's incredibly lonely (but a puppy helps)

So, How will I head into week 3.
- I will get up and get dressed every day. (Yes, PJ's all day is comfy. But if I'm going to be productive, I need to get up and get dressed)
- I'll spend 2 hours a day on classwork.
- I'll continue training the puppy
- I'll start classwork for a free online class that I'm taking through Harvard.
- I'll start exercising everyday (beyond the 15000 steps that I'm getting with the puppy)

What are you doing to keep life normal?

I know some people are still keeping their daily trip to get coffee.
some are checking in with work colleagues every day.

What are you doing?

Social Distancing Day 1

I guess you could really call it Day 2, because yesterday was pretty much also social distancing because I didn't have school, but let's officially call it day 1.

So, I was supposed to be on a retreat this weekend. Yes of course I understand why it was cancelled, that doesn't make it easier. I decided that I still wanted to be outdoors. Yes, it is still safe to be outdoors during social distancing.

I reached out to a friend who I was supposed to be on the retreat with and she was also game.

So, that was a plan.

However, I got up early and decided to start my training for google classroom. This gave me an idea that I passed onto my Christian Education director at church, which turned into creating a possible google classroom for church and a possible activity for children and seniors alike. So, before 10 am I had:
- Started my google classroom certification.
- Created a potential idea for christian ed that would connect children out of school with seniors within the church.
- drank coffee.

I supposed I should have also cleaned my house, but why.

My friend came by to pick me up and I asked her if she wanted to hit up a favorite spot for breakfast and we went there. It was not at all crowded, and we ate outside, so we were able to continue with social distancing.

We took the very scenic route to my favorite place on the north shore and hiked around for over an hour, it was amazing.

Another scenic route so she could show me where our next retreat would be, then off to an AMAZING seafood lunch. LOTS of people, but we were all respectful of eachothers space and were sure to leave safe distances.

The scenic route home.

As soon as I walked in the door, my phone rang for an interview to adopt a pup.

Now, it's watching a movie and finishing my google classroom training.

It has been a day, a big day. I intend to not be lazy these next 2 weeks.

2019 - the year I learned to ask for help (also, not letting the crappy stuff dim the wonderful things)

At the end of 2018 a text message thread changed. My best friends and I frequently group text. Typically it involves pictures of children, pets, or just a funny reminder (usually involving the Indigo Girls). At the end of 2018 that thread changed. It became about updates.

My father in Law is in the hospital.
My aunt is in the hospital.
There has been an accident.

This thread kept us together. While three of us are on the east coast, we are scattered from Massachusetts to New York. The fourth is over 5000 miles away. This text thread kept us connected. It reminded us that we were there for eachother even if we couldn't be at eachother's side.

So, why does this text thread start off my 2019 blog post.

the end of 2018 and 2019 is where I learned that not only can I ask for help, but people will actually do just that, they will help.

In December of 2018 my aunts, mother, and I were camped out in an ICU waiting room waiting for an update, any update, as to how my aunt robin was doing. updates were slow, because updates are never quick in the hospital. It was a Saturday. I checked my email and saw the weekly email from our minister of Music about the next days service. There was no way I'd make it back, so I let her know that I wouldn't be at service on Sunday.

She quickly replied and asked if she wanted me to tell the choir. I said yes, because at this time all we could ask for were prayers.

Now, I'd been going to this church for about 2 years. It was my first year in the choir. yes, I know that most people go to their church for help, but this was really the first time I had done that.

Something happened that I didn't expect. My email box filled, my phone rang. Everyone just saying "we are here for you" "We are praying for you"

I returned to church and it continued. When she passed, I felt a wave of genuine support and kindness.
___
2019 continued. The text thread with my friends continued to be challenging. But we continued to be there for eachother, if only in short text messages.

___

Now, I have to be honest, not all of 2019 was bad. In Fact, some pretty great things happened.
- I was able to attend my sister's wedding in Florida

- I got to sit with my aunts for 3 hours and listen to their amazing stories from growing up, and I got to record their conversation.
- I took AMAZING classes towards my masters degree.
- I ran a 5k with amazing friends!

- I attended an amazing Arts Week in Deer Isle Maine with some fantastic students.
- I directed a scene for class.
- I spent most of my summer commuting to Boston on the Ferry

- I assistant Directed a BEAUTIFUL production of Silent Sky.

- I performed the Rutter Requiem and an incredible christmas program with our festival choir.

- I attended incredible live performances, including my first 2 full length operas.
- I completed my stereo system set up and continued to build my vinyl collection.
- I had another incredible week at camp casco

- I volunteered for the Closer to Free Ride again.


2019 has had some major blows to my life. Yes, it is the year I was diagnosed with breast cancer, yes it was the year that I got laid off from a job that I held for 11 years.  but it has also taught me that there are people in my life that will be there for me when I need them. 2019 taught me to ask for help. yes, I will always be the overly independent person that I've always been and don't ask if I need help when I'm carrying 12 grocery bags into the house, because I will NEVER need help with that .

One year ago

One year ago today I happened to be in Connecticut from the weekend when we got that phone call.

Here are the things that I learned 1 year ago:
- only 30% of people that suffer a brain aneurysm make it to the hospital.
- Hospital waiting rooms are never comfortable.
- There is an app for the Hallmark channel
- It's okay to ask for help.
- Hospital waiting rooms have the Hallmark channel.
- Nurses don't think youre in the way (as long as you get OUT of the way when they need to do their work)
- My family can always find the pizza and beer that is closest to the hospital.
- When you ask for help and prayers, people will actually do that for you.
- If you don't recognize your pastors voice on the other end of the phone it's okay, he won't judge (you still listen during services)
- My family will drop everything to be sure that one of our own is not alone.
- some nurses do not like Christmas lights. (okay, so there was a restriction in the ICU)
- Even if you can't plug things into outlets in the ICU, you CAN still find CD players that take batteries (many, many, many batteries)

I learned many more things. Some that I wanted to learn, some that I would have rather not learned when it comes to medical information. But one year I learned a lot. Most importantly, I learned that my family is amazing, and the people that I have surrounded myself with are also some of the most wonderful people and I am lucky to call them my friends.

I will have many thoughts over the next few weeks as I recall what happened one year ago today. Right now, I'm choosing to be thankful for the people that were so wonderful to me.

How Bach helped me through Cancer diagnosis

In the spring of 2018, at the urging of a dear friend at church, I joined a community
choir. This weekend I performed with this wonderful choir for the 4th time. 

Preparing for this season’s Christmas concert was different than the other three.
In late August we received the email from our conductor letting us know that first
rehearsal would be Wednesday September 25th. We also learned the major works
that we’d be preparing;. Bach Cantata 191, Gloria in Excelsis Deo  and Mendelssohn,
Vom Himmel Hoch (along with about 7 other pieces). As soon as I got the email on
September 16th I searched Spotify for recordings
of these pieces to start listening immediately knew this would be a challenge. 

Things changed just a few days later. I received that call from the Breast Health
center. 

“There is a significant change  on your mammogram, we’d like you to come back
tomorrow” 

Now, this wasn’t the first time I had to go back for a second mammogram. Because
of family history I’ve been going yearly since I was 35, for a few years I was going
twice a year because they were monitoring an abnormality on one side. This was
the other side. 

So, I went for the second Mammogram on September 20th I went back to the breast
health center. They didn’t like what they saw, the next step would be a biopsy. That
wouldn’t be until October 8th. 

My first rehearsal for Festival choir was October 2nd, and yes. I knew right away this
would be a challenge filled with 16th note runs all over the page. I had informed our
conductor about the upcoming biopsy, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what
would happen, this was new territory for me. 

My Biopsy was on October 8th. The next day was our regular Wednesday rehearsal.
I was still a bit uncomfortable but 1 thing never occurred to me, I wasn’t missing
rehearsal. Missing rehearsal wasn’t an option (especially with this program to prepare).
I won’t say that working through this rehearsal made the pain go away, that wasn’t happening.
But for 2 hours that night I did not think about the biopsy results. Instead I focused on the
german pronunciations. I made notes to   remember that on this piece it was pronounced
“ek Sell” instead of “eck-Shell” (yeah, that will make sense to some). I also had to remember if
It was Jingle or Jangle (remember, there were 7 other pieces of music).

On October 11th, less than a month after receiving that call, I found out that yes, it was
breast cancer. It was tiny, it was easily treatable, we could take care of this. All of the good
things that I heard on that day could not change the start of that phone call, it was cancer. I
was at work when I heard the news (Don’t ask, there was a thing with keys, I had to go in)
and I immediately left the office. On the way home I made phone calls to family, I sent text
messages to friends “It wasn’t the news we wanted to hear”

I took the train home and attempted to boost my spirits with my favorite meal at a diner.
It didn’t work. I went to a performance of a show that I’d been working on in hopes that
escaping to theatre would help. Yes, it was an amazing performance, but it still wasn’t what
was working. 

The next morning I woke up and before getting out of bed I thought about the day ahead. 

• Make coffee
• Feed cat
• Head to rehearsal
• Get things done around the house
• Make an appetizer for the closing night party
• Closing night
• Then I remembered

I have cancer. It’s tiny cancer, but it’s there. 

As I was drinking my coffee, I attempted to settle my brain. I would have to have surgery,
I would have to arrange for health insurance coverage (layoff from work was approaching quickly)
. I then thought about surgery. The last time I had surgery I had major issues with my voice
after. I went to our Saturday rehearsal and once again put aside worries for 2 hours. I focused
completely on the challenges that these pieces presented. After rehearsal I was able to confide
in confide in our Soprano section leader about how to approach surgery and what to tell the
anesthesiologist regarding concerns for my voice. 

The following Tuesday I met with the surgeon. We discussed the next steps. Meeting
with genetics, possibilities of surgery, how long this would go on. 

The next day I went back to rehearsal. While I wasn’t being super public about the news,
certain people did know. Our section leader, a friend that I was driving to rehearsals, our
conductor, and our pastor. I wasn’t ready for a lot of people to know. I wasn’t sure how I felt about \
all of this just yet. It was small, it was treatable, we could get rid of it, I’m young. 

But, that didn’t change the fact that it was still cancer. 

So, back to rehearsal. Back to the 2 hours mid week when I could focus on something else.
Something that was challenging, something that was beautiful, something that I could escape
to, something that wasn’t cancer. 

While I was physically uncomfortable after surgery I was a bit more comfortable if people
knew. I wasn’t shouting it from the rooftops, but if someone knew I would talk about it.
Gradually others in the choir found out. One by one I met other women within the choir that
had been through the same surgery. Women who could understand why I was uncomfortable
standing and singing right now.Women who knew why I was concerned about people bumping
into me. Women who would reach my water bottle or my music for me because they knew
that reaching for things was uncomfortable.

Aside from everything else we had in common these women and I were working on the
same thing. Celebrating our victories with these pieces. Celebrating when we got through
that phrase we were struggling with. Giving encouragement that “yes, you’ll get there” 

It was time for the final preparations for our concert. First night in the risers, first rehearsal
with the strings. I was still waiting on some final results

The results that would tell me what the next stage of treatment would be. Yes, yes, from the
beginning I was told “it’s tiny, it’s early, it’s easy to treat” and yes, we had received the good
news that there were negative margins and lymph nodes were clear. However, I still didn’t
have this last test result back. This was the score that would officially dictate the next phase
of treatment. 

On Friday, before our final dress rehearsal, I got that call. The score was low, this was a great
thing.It was official that I would only need radiation. 

Over the past few months people have said to me “wow, I can’t believe how well you’re dealing
with all of this” 

Here are the facts: 

• I didn’t have a choice. 
• I knew from the beginning this was caught early
• in the grand scheme of cancer, my journey would be easier than others. 
• I’ve had amazing support along the way. 
• 

The other simple fact is that through all of this I was not putting aside something that I truly loved.
If I was having a rough day, if I was a bit uncomfortable if I was not feeling 100%, preparing for this
concert and tackling this music was what I wanted. This was what I needed to get through the past
few months. 

So I sit here the day after our last concert. We celebrated until 3 am. Last night we drank,
we laughed, we listened to the concert. 

Today, I made the appointment to start my radiation treatment. 

Brightening the Holidays for the Tiniest babies

Yesterday I was on Facebook enjoying all of the pictures of children in their adorable costumes. I came across this post from Connecticut Children's Medical Center. 

So of course  I asked if they could use some help from our wonderful crafters at PatPat's Hats to create costumes for these tiny ones.

How Will we be helping: Your mission is to create holiday themed hats and costumes for NICU and Newborns at Connecticut Children's Medical Center.

When are they needed: Because these are holiday specific, we will be asking for hats to be sent by specific dates:

Thanksgiving: November 20th

Christmas: December 16th

(Feel free to start working on Superbowl, Valentines Day and St Patrick's day if you need a head start. Also, start thinking ahead to Halloween 2020)

Where will the hats be going:
 Hats will be going to the infants in the NICU and the nursery at Connecticut Children's Medical center. Our nurse contact works at 2 hospitals. If there are extras, she will be sending them onto friends at other facilities.

Where should they be sent: 

PatPat's Hats Central

PO Box 318

Westbrook CT, 06498

 Guidelines for the hats: 
Please stick with out standard PatPat's Hats guidelines:
- hats MUST be washable
- Hats should be holiday or seasonally themed
- These can be hats or costumes.
- If you prefer fabric to yarn, that's fine too
- remember these are for preemies and newborns. I'll continue to post guidelines for best practices with sizing. 

Thanksgiving: Turkeys, Pilgrims, pumpkins, pies (Yes, I have adorable pie patterns to share)
Christmas: Santa, Mrs. Clause, Elves, Snowmen, Christmas trees, Wreaths

Where will we get the patterns: 
- I'll be posting patterns that you can of course use. I will mix in some free and paid patterns. I do support MANY designers and they make their money from creating these patterns for crafters to use. I will be sure to post patterns that have been well tested and from known designers.
- I'll post patterns on Facebook and I'll keep a google docs folder that you can access as well.

Thanksgiving Hat Patterns
Christmas/Winter Hat Patterns


I still have questions:; 
don't hesitate to email me at PatPatsHats@gmail.com

(Why are you using a different blog? 
-  grad school got the better of me and I fell behind on the upkeep of our website, I'll be using this blog for now.


 


 

2 years, Still Miss you

This was your last sunset. I sat and watched this with my mom for close to an hour, it was something she really wanted to do in Key West, so it was our last adventure. Even watching this I knew something wasn't right. We hadn't heard from you all day. You weren't answering your phone. There had been days in the past where you might be tough to reach, but you always appeared "Nothing to worry about, I'm fine." This time was different. You weren't calling back, your voice wasn't on the other end, your text never came. I'd return to the hotel to send a message to Carla Jean on Facebook. I still can't facebook message her because I see that message. Zuckerberg can make a lot of things happen, but he can't take away that message that I had to send. "We haven't heard from her. We are getting concerned"

Fact is I miss you. I miss you still. I miss you a lot. I think of the things that have happened that you should have been here for. Josh opened a new show, you would love it. I saw Once on this Island twice, it was amazing both times. Your niece and Nephews are amazing and hilarious, though I think my favorite pictures of them are the time out photos... because, well. They are amazing. we started a new "VendiniBambini" channel on slack where everyone shares pictures of their kids. Yup, I know you would be RIGHT there aunt bragging. I watched Dumplin' the other night, and I know we would have been texting all the way through it. Your mom got an amazing new hair cut. These are the things happening that I know we would be sharing, these are the things that

There are losses that I can accept and come to terms with, but I fear yours is one that I may never fully understand. You remain on this earth in the memories that you created, in the joy that you brought, and in the grief that so many of us share.