One year ago

One year ago today I happened to be in Connecticut from the weekend when we got that phone call.

Here are the things that I learned 1 year ago:
- only 30% of people that suffer a brain aneurysm make it to the hospital.
- Hospital waiting rooms are never comfortable.
- There is an app for the Hallmark channel
- It's okay to ask for help.
- Hospital waiting rooms have the Hallmark channel.
- Nurses don't think youre in the way (as long as you get OUT of the way when they need to do their work)
- My family can always find the pizza and beer that is closest to the hospital.
- When you ask for help and prayers, people will actually do that for you.
- If you don't recognize your pastors voice on the other end of the phone it's okay, he won't judge (you still listen during services)
- My family will drop everything to be sure that one of our own is not alone.
- some nurses do not like Christmas lights. (okay, so there was a restriction in the ICU)
- Even if you can't plug things into outlets in the ICU, you CAN still find CD players that take batteries (many, many, many batteries)

I learned many more things. Some that I wanted to learn, some that I would have rather not learned when it comes to medical information. But one year I learned a lot. Most importantly, I learned that my family is amazing, and the people that I have surrounded myself with are also some of the most wonderful people and I am lucky to call them my friends.

I will have many thoughts over the next few weeks as I recall what happened one year ago today. Right now, I'm choosing to be thankful for the people that were so wonderful to me.

How Bach helped me through Cancer diagnosis

In the spring of 2018, at the urging of a dear friend at church, I joined a community
choir. This weekend I performed with this wonderful choir for the 4th time. 

Preparing for this season’s Christmas concert was different than the other three.
In late August we received the email from our conductor letting us know that first
rehearsal would be Wednesday September 25th. We also learned the major works
that we’d be preparing;. Bach Cantata 191, Gloria in Excelsis Deo  and Mendelssohn,
Vom Himmel Hoch (along with about 7 other pieces). As soon as I got the email on
September 16th I searched Spotify for recordings
of these pieces to start listening immediately knew this would be a challenge. 

Things changed just a few days later. I received that call from the Breast Health
center. 

“There is a significant change  on your mammogram, we’d like you to come back
tomorrow” 

Now, this wasn’t the first time I had to go back for a second mammogram. Because
of family history I’ve been going yearly since I was 35, for a few years I was going
twice a year because they were monitoring an abnormality on one side. This was
the other side. 

So, I went for the second Mammogram on September 20th I went back to the breast
health center. They didn’t like what they saw, the next step would be a biopsy. That
wouldn’t be until October 8th. 

My first rehearsal for Festival choir was October 2nd, and yes. I knew right away this
would be a challenge filled with 16th note runs all over the page. I had informed our
conductor about the upcoming biopsy, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what
would happen, this was new territory for me. 

My Biopsy was on October 8th. The next day was our regular Wednesday rehearsal.
I was still a bit uncomfortable but 1 thing never occurred to me, I wasn’t missing
rehearsal. Missing rehearsal wasn’t an option (especially with this program to prepare).
I won’t say that working through this rehearsal made the pain go away, that wasn’t happening.
But for 2 hours that night I did not think about the biopsy results. Instead I focused on the
german pronunciations. I made notes to   remember that on this piece it was pronounced
“ek Sell” instead of “eck-Shell” (yeah, that will make sense to some). I also had to remember if
It was Jingle or Jangle (remember, there were 7 other pieces of music).

On October 11th, less than a month after receiving that call, I found out that yes, it was
breast cancer. It was tiny, it was easily treatable, we could take care of this. All of the good
things that I heard on that day could not change the start of that phone call, it was cancer. I
was at work when I heard the news (Don’t ask, there was a thing with keys, I had to go in)
and I immediately left the office. On the way home I made phone calls to family, I sent text
messages to friends “It wasn’t the news we wanted to hear”

I took the train home and attempted to boost my spirits with my favorite meal at a diner.
It didn’t work. I went to a performance of a show that I’d been working on in hopes that
escaping to theatre would help. Yes, it was an amazing performance, but it still wasn’t what
was working. 

The next morning I woke up and before getting out of bed I thought about the day ahead. 

• Make coffee
• Feed cat
• Head to rehearsal
• Get things done around the house
• Make an appetizer for the closing night party
• Closing night
• Then I remembered

I have cancer. It’s tiny cancer, but it’s there. 

As I was drinking my coffee, I attempted to settle my brain. I would have to have surgery,
I would have to arrange for health insurance coverage (layoff from work was approaching quickly)
. I then thought about surgery. The last time I had surgery I had major issues with my voice
after. I went to our Saturday rehearsal and once again put aside worries for 2 hours. I focused
completely on the challenges that these pieces presented. After rehearsal I was able to confide
in confide in our Soprano section leader about how to approach surgery and what to tell the
anesthesiologist regarding concerns for my voice. 

The following Tuesday I met with the surgeon. We discussed the next steps. Meeting
with genetics, possibilities of surgery, how long this would go on. 

The next day I went back to rehearsal. While I wasn’t being super public about the news,
certain people did know. Our section leader, a friend that I was driving to rehearsals, our
conductor, and our pastor. I wasn’t ready for a lot of people to know. I wasn’t sure how I felt about \
all of this just yet. It was small, it was treatable, we could get rid of it, I’m young. 

But, that didn’t change the fact that it was still cancer. 

So, back to rehearsal. Back to the 2 hours mid week when I could focus on something else.
Something that was challenging, something that was beautiful, something that I could escape
to, something that wasn’t cancer. 

While I was physically uncomfortable after surgery I was a bit more comfortable if people
knew. I wasn’t shouting it from the rooftops, but if someone knew I would talk about it.
Gradually others in the choir found out. One by one I met other women within the choir that
had been through the same surgery. Women who could understand why I was uncomfortable
standing and singing right now.Women who knew why I was concerned about people bumping
into me. Women who would reach my water bottle or my music for me because they knew
that reaching for things was uncomfortable.

Aside from everything else we had in common these women and I were working on the
same thing. Celebrating our victories with these pieces. Celebrating when we got through
that phrase we were struggling with. Giving encouragement that “yes, you’ll get there” 

It was time for the final preparations for our concert. First night in the risers, first rehearsal
with the strings. I was still waiting on some final results

The results that would tell me what the next stage of treatment would be. Yes, yes, from the
beginning I was told “it’s tiny, it’s early, it’s easy to treat” and yes, we had received the good
news that there were negative margins and lymph nodes were clear. However, I still didn’t
have this last test result back. This was the score that would officially dictate the next phase
of treatment. 

On Friday, before our final dress rehearsal, I got that call. The score was low, this was a great
thing.It was official that I would only need radiation. 

Over the past few months people have said to me “wow, I can’t believe how well you’re dealing
with all of this” 

Here are the facts: 

• I didn’t have a choice. 
• I knew from the beginning this was caught early
• in the grand scheme of cancer, my journey would be easier than others. 
• I’ve had amazing support along the way. 
• 

The other simple fact is that through all of this I was not putting aside something that I truly loved.
If I was having a rough day, if I was a bit uncomfortable if I was not feeling 100%, preparing for this
concert and tackling this music was what I wanted. This was what I needed to get through the past
few months. 

So I sit here the day after our last concert. We celebrated until 3 am. Last night we drank,
we laughed, we listened to the concert. 

Today, I made the appointment to start my radiation treatment.