It Doesn't feel like Yesterday

I'm not writing this because I want people to feel sad, I'm writing this because the parts of me that want to forget this day knows that I never will.


I'm not going to lie and tell you that what happened last year feels like yesterday. Saying that would be untrue. This year has been so slow. Each moment has dragged. Maybe it's because I keep thinking "well, when one year happens it gets easier right?"

I don't think it does.

While it feels like forever ago, and much longer than a year, I can replay the moments of January 16th and 17th 2017 like they were yesterday. I can remember these moments like they just happened. I can remember jumping online just to see how things were going at work. I was planning to brag that I was eating key lime pie and getting a pedicure... but let's face it, I'm also a control freak and I had to check in, that's what I do.

Patrick had posted that you hadn't gotten online for your fundraising training. I was frustrated, I was annoyed, and I was concerned. It was a fine line that I was walking at that moment. Concerned that something was wrong, annoyed that you hadn't reached out for help... But I knew that we would reach you and it would be okay.

But this time you didn't answer. This time you didn't jump back online. This time you weren't there.

I went to watch the sunset.

You still hadn't called back.

I called Ll, told her we needed to call the Queens police for a wellness check. She said that wasn't something that we could do.

I found your sister and mom on Facebook. I told them we were concerned.

Then we waited. I had terrible dreams that night. I knew something wasn't right.

mom and I left Key west. Patrick Texted. I told him I could call him back in 5 minutes.

We pulled into the parking lot of a garden center. Patrick told me you were gone...

I called L. I made lists.... who should we call? Who should we tell? How would we tell people? I couldn't let people hear about this over social media.

We got to the car rental place. I spoke with Dottie. someone had already told her.

I got on the shuttle bus and my phone rang. It was a Jacksonville number. I knew it would be your mom. I couldn't make her say it. I told her "I heard.... and I'm so sorry..."

I went through security and people started calling me. I realized a couple of people that I should call, because I would be on a plane soon.

I went to the convenience store at the airport. I looked for tissues, I got a snack and a water.

I got on the plane. I felt it was a good time to start watching Parks and rec (thankful that Amy Poehler could get me through this rough time)

I landed in Boston. Carla Jean had posted the announcement. I called Brian, and he already knew.


I got back to Salem. I got a roast beef sandwich. I snuggled with my cat and I cried.

I cried almost every day for months. I don't remember the first day that I didn't cry, but I remember it happening.

Yes, I found joy this year. I found joy discovering the shows and performers that you always told me to listen to (translation... I discovered Jenn Colella and Christianne Knoll), I have chosen to love musical theatre without apologies.

Yes, I have dealt with loss. I wish I could pinpoint why your loss hurts so much. Yours is a loss that will stick with me. I miss you. I miss you a lot. I wish we had more time. We should have seen Jenn colella together. You should have been here to see Christiane with me. I chalk that up to things that just aren't fair.