One year ago

One year ago today I happened to be in Connecticut from the weekend when we got that phone call.

Here are the things that I learned 1 year ago:
- only 30% of people that suffer a brain aneurysm make it to the hospital.
- Hospital waiting rooms are never comfortable.
- There is an app for the Hallmark channel
- It's okay to ask for help.
- Hospital waiting rooms have the Hallmark channel.
- Nurses don't think youre in the way (as long as you get OUT of the way when they need to do their work)
- My family can always find the pizza and beer that is closest to the hospital.
- When you ask for help and prayers, people will actually do that for you.
- If you don't recognize your pastors voice on the other end of the phone it's okay, he won't judge (you still listen during services)
- My family will drop everything to be sure that one of our own is not alone.
- some nurses do not like Christmas lights. (okay, so there was a restriction in the ICU)
- Even if you can't plug things into outlets in the ICU, you CAN still find CD players that take batteries (many, many, many batteries)

I learned many more things. Some that I wanted to learn, some that I would have rather not learned when it comes to medical information. But one year I learned a lot. Most importantly, I learned that my family is amazing, and the people that I have surrounded myself with are also some of the most wonderful people and I am lucky to call them my friends.

I will have many thoughts over the next few weeks as I recall what happened one year ago today. Right now, I'm choosing to be thankful for the people that were so wonderful to me.

How Bach helped me through Cancer diagnosis

In the spring of 2018, at the urging of a dear friend at church, I joined a community
choir. This weekend I performed with this wonderful choir for the 4th time. 

Preparing for this season’s Christmas concert was different than the other three.
In late August we received the email from our conductor letting us know that first
rehearsal would be Wednesday September 25th. We also learned the major works
that we’d be preparing;. Bach Cantata 191, Gloria in Excelsis Deo  and Mendelssohn,
Vom Himmel Hoch (along with about 7 other pieces). As soon as I got the email on
September 16th I searched Spotify for recordings
of these pieces to start listening immediately knew this would be a challenge. 

Things changed just a few days later. I received that call from the Breast Health
center. 

“There is a significant change  on your mammogram, we’d like you to come back
tomorrow” 

Now, this wasn’t the first time I had to go back for a second mammogram. Because
of family history I’ve been going yearly since I was 35, for a few years I was going
twice a year because they were monitoring an abnormality on one side. This was
the other side. 

So, I went for the second Mammogram on September 20th I went back to the breast
health center. They didn’t like what they saw, the next step would be a biopsy. That
wouldn’t be until October 8th. 

My first rehearsal for Festival choir was October 2nd, and yes. I knew right away this
would be a challenge filled with 16th note runs all over the page. I had informed our
conductor about the upcoming biopsy, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what
would happen, this was new territory for me. 

My Biopsy was on October 8th. The next day was our regular Wednesday rehearsal.
I was still a bit uncomfortable but 1 thing never occurred to me, I wasn’t missing
rehearsal. Missing rehearsal wasn’t an option (especially with this program to prepare).
I won’t say that working through this rehearsal made the pain go away, that wasn’t happening.
But for 2 hours that night I did not think about the biopsy results. Instead I focused on the
german pronunciations. I made notes to   remember that on this piece it was pronounced
“ek Sell” instead of “eck-Shell” (yeah, that will make sense to some). I also had to remember if
It was Jingle or Jangle (remember, there were 7 other pieces of music).

On October 11th, less than a month after receiving that call, I found out that yes, it was
breast cancer. It was tiny, it was easily treatable, we could take care of this. All of the good
things that I heard on that day could not change the start of that phone call, it was cancer. I
was at work when I heard the news (Don’t ask, there was a thing with keys, I had to go in)
and I immediately left the office. On the way home I made phone calls to family, I sent text
messages to friends “It wasn’t the news we wanted to hear”

I took the train home and attempted to boost my spirits with my favorite meal at a diner.
It didn’t work. I went to a performance of a show that I’d been working on in hopes that
escaping to theatre would help. Yes, it was an amazing performance, but it still wasn’t what
was working. 

The next morning I woke up and before getting out of bed I thought about the day ahead. 

• Make coffee
• Feed cat
• Head to rehearsal
• Get things done around the house
• Make an appetizer for the closing night party
• Closing night
• Then I remembered

I have cancer. It’s tiny cancer, but it’s there. 

As I was drinking my coffee, I attempted to settle my brain. I would have to have surgery,
I would have to arrange for health insurance coverage (layoff from work was approaching quickly)
. I then thought about surgery. The last time I had surgery I had major issues with my voice
after. I went to our Saturday rehearsal and once again put aside worries for 2 hours. I focused
completely on the challenges that these pieces presented. After rehearsal I was able to confide
in confide in our Soprano section leader about how to approach surgery and what to tell the
anesthesiologist regarding concerns for my voice. 

The following Tuesday I met with the surgeon. We discussed the next steps. Meeting
with genetics, possibilities of surgery, how long this would go on. 

The next day I went back to rehearsal. While I wasn’t being super public about the news,
certain people did know. Our section leader, a friend that I was driving to rehearsals, our
conductor, and our pastor. I wasn’t ready for a lot of people to know. I wasn’t sure how I felt about \
all of this just yet. It was small, it was treatable, we could get rid of it, I’m young. 

But, that didn’t change the fact that it was still cancer. 

So, back to rehearsal. Back to the 2 hours mid week when I could focus on something else.
Something that was challenging, something that was beautiful, something that I could escape
to, something that wasn’t cancer. 

While I was physically uncomfortable after surgery I was a bit more comfortable if people
knew. I wasn’t shouting it from the rooftops, but if someone knew I would talk about it.
Gradually others in the choir found out. One by one I met other women within the choir that
had been through the same surgery. Women who could understand why I was uncomfortable
standing and singing right now.Women who knew why I was concerned about people bumping
into me. Women who would reach my water bottle or my music for me because they knew
that reaching for things was uncomfortable.

Aside from everything else we had in common these women and I were working on the
same thing. Celebrating our victories with these pieces. Celebrating when we got through
that phrase we were struggling with. Giving encouragement that “yes, you’ll get there” 

It was time for the final preparations for our concert. First night in the risers, first rehearsal
with the strings. I was still waiting on some final results

The results that would tell me what the next stage of treatment would be. Yes, yes, from the
beginning I was told “it’s tiny, it’s early, it’s easy to treat” and yes, we had received the good
news that there were negative margins and lymph nodes were clear. However, I still didn’t
have this last test result back. This was the score that would officially dictate the next phase
of treatment. 

On Friday, before our final dress rehearsal, I got that call. The score was low, this was a great
thing.It was official that I would only need radiation. 

Over the past few months people have said to me “wow, I can’t believe how well you’re dealing
with all of this” 

Here are the facts: 

• I didn’t have a choice. 
• I knew from the beginning this was caught early
• in the grand scheme of cancer, my journey would be easier than others. 
• I’ve had amazing support along the way. 
• 

The other simple fact is that through all of this I was not putting aside something that I truly loved.
If I was having a rough day, if I was a bit uncomfortable if I was not feeling 100%, preparing for this
concert and tackling this music was what I wanted. This was what I needed to get through the past
few months. 

So I sit here the day after our last concert. We celebrated until 3 am. Last night we drank,
we laughed, we listened to the concert. 

Today, I made the appointment to start my radiation treatment. 

Brightening the Holidays for the Tiniest babies

Yesterday I was on Facebook enjoying all of the pictures of children in their adorable costumes. I came across this post from Connecticut Children's Medical Center. 

So of course  I asked if they could use some help from our wonderful crafters at PatPat's Hats to create costumes for these tiny ones.

How Will we be helping: Your mission is to create holiday themed hats and costumes for NICU and Newborns at Connecticut Children's Medical Center.

When are they needed: Because these are holiday specific, we will be asking for hats to be sent by specific dates:

Thanksgiving: November 20th

Christmas: December 16th

(Feel free to start working on Superbowl, Valentines Day and St Patrick's day if you need a head start. Also, start thinking ahead to Halloween 2020)

Where will the hats be going:
 Hats will be going to the infants in the NICU and the nursery at Connecticut Children's Medical center. Our nurse contact works at 2 hospitals. If there are extras, she will be sending them onto friends at other facilities.

Where should they be sent: 

PatPat's Hats Central

PO Box 318

Westbrook CT, 06498

 Guidelines for the hats: 
Please stick with out standard PatPat's Hats guidelines:
- hats MUST be washable
- Hats should be holiday or seasonally themed
- These can be hats or costumes.
- If you prefer fabric to yarn, that's fine too
- remember these are for preemies and newborns. I'll continue to post guidelines for best practices with sizing. 

Thanksgiving: Turkeys, Pilgrims, pumpkins, pies (Yes, I have adorable pie patterns to share)
Christmas: Santa, Mrs. Clause, Elves, Snowmen, Christmas trees, Wreaths

Where will we get the patterns: 
- I'll be posting patterns that you can of course use. I will mix in some free and paid patterns. I do support MANY designers and they make their money from creating these patterns for crafters to use. I will be sure to post patterns that have been well tested and from known designers.
- I'll post patterns on Facebook and I'll keep a google docs folder that you can access as well.

Thanksgiving Hat Patterns
Christmas/Winter Hat Patterns


I still have questions:; 
don't hesitate to email me at PatPatsHats@gmail.com

(Why are you using a different blog? 
-  grad school got the better of me and I fell behind on the upkeep of our website, I'll be using this blog for now.


 


 

2 years, Still Miss you

This was your last sunset. I sat and watched this with my mom for close to an hour, it was something she really wanted to do in Key West, so it was our last adventure. Even watching this I knew something wasn't right. We hadn't heard from you all day. You weren't answering your phone. There had been days in the past where you might be tough to reach, but you always appeared "Nothing to worry about, I'm fine." This time was different. You weren't calling back, your voice wasn't on the other end, your text never came. I'd return to the hotel to send a message to Carla Jean on Facebook. I still can't facebook message her because I see that message. Zuckerberg can make a lot of things happen, but he can't take away that message that I had to send. "We haven't heard from her. We are getting concerned"

Fact is I miss you. I miss you still. I miss you a lot. I think of the things that have happened that you should have been here for. Josh opened a new show, you would love it. I saw Once on this Island twice, it was amazing both times. Your niece and Nephews are amazing and hilarious, though I think my favorite pictures of them are the time out photos... because, well. They are amazing. we started a new "VendiniBambini" channel on slack where everyone shares pictures of their kids. Yup, I know you would be RIGHT there aunt bragging. I watched Dumplin' the other night, and I know we would have been texting all the way through it. Your mom got an amazing new hair cut. These are the things happening that I know we would be sharing, these are the things that

There are losses that I can accept and come to terms with, but I fear yours is one that I may never fully understand. You remain on this earth in the memories that you created, in the joy that you brought, and in the grief that so many of us share.

Thinking of you scarf

When I learned that one of our pastors would be leaving our church I had many thoughts (I'll discuss those later) but I also knew that I had to knit something for her. The first time I entered the church this person approached me and asked "what are you knitting?" over the past couple of years we bonded over many knitting projects that we were working on.

I had thought about working with a pattern that I know she likes, but I was reminded of the "Thinking of You" Scarf. I acquired this pattern a few years ago as i prepared a gift for another friend. I not only love how it works up, but I also love what the designer says about the pattern.


The scarf begins with a wavy eyelet rib stitch symbolizing the twists and turns of life and ends with a band of interlocking hearts to express the bonds of loving friendship and support.



yup, that was it.

I had initially cast on the project in a beautiful yarn that I had purchased from a local Artist in North Carolina, as this friend is relocating to a parish in North Carolina it seemed perfect!

I liked the purple but the texture just wasn't working out.

I stopped into JoAnne Fabric just to see if something would catch my eye. I immediately saw Lion Brand Shawl in a Cake I'm not typically a fan of big box yarn for a project like this, however it was perfect. The colors immediately reminded me of the water. Our current church is on the ocean, and she is heading to the mountains. This was it!



The project worked up beautifully.


I will say that I had some trouble keeping track of the row numbers. I downloaded a new stitch counter app called K & C counter. I am a fan.

This project was with me while I was sitting with my aunt in the ICU at Yale, it was with me while I got some shocking family news, and it was with me when I lost my aunt.



I will be 100% honest and put it out there that I DID make a pretty significant error on the project that I did not discover until I was blocking the project. I leave it to the recipient to let me know if she finds it. With the way this scarf gets worn, the average person would not notice it. Today I was able to present her with this scarf as a farewell for now (she is conveniently relocating to one of my favorite cities). With the scarf, I gave her a copy of Annie and the Swiss Cheese scarf, a symbol of my own faith journey told through knitting.

Never would I have expected....

If you had told me three weeks ago that I would be where I am right now, I probably would have told you it was a lie.

Three weeks ago today we received the call that Robin had "fallen and hit her head"

From there, we learned that it was an Aneurysm burst.

We knew that the possibility for recovery would be difficult, but we had to give her a chance at life.

3 weeks of visiting the hospital, bad coffee, soda from vending machines, arranging coverage so that we could be with her. Three weeks of "wiggle your toes" and "open your eyes" in hopes that we would see a glimmer of the aunt that I had always known.

Three weeks of friends, family, and church family supporting me with messages, texts, emails, and prayer.

Three weeks of wondering if we would see the same Robin again.

It all boils down to the past 24 hours. The hours when we knew she wasn't going to improve. The hours when she stopped breathing on her own. The hours when we knew we could honor her wishes to be an organ donor.

Organ donation doesn't work like Greys anatomy. Right now we wait to see if her kidneys will be able to be a gift to 2 recipients. And that is what they call it, these potential donors have been told that someone has offered them a gift. A gift to continue their life probably off dialysis.

These people don't know that if they receive this gift, they might need to become fans of the Red Sox and Patriots. They might grow a taste for Mich Ultra, and they are forever family.

I cannot express my thanks to friends, family, coworkers, and my church family for their support.

The New England Donor Services who walked our family through this process.

And to my aunts, my mother, my cousins, my uncles, my sisters..... may we all know how strong our family is and that we always have each other.

knitting for knitters is hard

Let's face it, crafting for crafters is difficult. probably more difficult than anything else that we craft.

Currently, I am working on a project for a dear friend that is moving away. I agonized over the project, then the yarn, then I kept making errors and restarted the project not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES (if this person reads this post, she is possibly cringing because restarting projects drives her crazy)

Currently, I'm looking at the project hoping that a small inconsistency blocks out, what do I do if it's doesn't.

I want this gift to be perfect. This person has been there for me during some difficult moments over the past few years. When we first met she approached me to ask about my knitting. we found common ground in our love of beautiful patterns and the fibers that create those projects.

I know this finished item will be well received, I know that she will understand the work that went into it.

But that does not change the fact... knitting for knitters is hard.